March 23, 2003

I’m in a strange place in my life right now. The semester, and by extension college, is almost complete for me. Only 5 weeks of classes left before it’s all over. On the one hand, I’ll be sad to go because it means saying goodbye to all those I’ve met and gotten close to over the past few years. But on the other hand, I’m excited to take on what’s next, to have my own place, to be doing something I enjoy and to be able to spend more time with my ever-growing nephew, Garrett. Certainly, the good outweighs the bad – and shouldn’t it always be that way?

In a lot of ways even the sad parts aren’t going to be as negative as I might think. For one thing, I’m definitely going to keep in touch with my closest friends and I’m still going to be close enough to visit. So that’s not too bad. Another thing, not so pleasant, is that I don’t feel as close or connected with people as I once did, which, unfortunately, will make it easier to say goodbye. Over the past year, really since I started preparing to go abroad, I’ve felt people begin to slip away from me. Friends I held dear seemed to slowly back out of my life until they were all but gone. I saw them less, spoke with them less frequently, and basically just lost any feeling of closeness that, I thought, once was there. And, now that I’ve returned, the sense I get is that they know we only have so long left so why bother trying too hard?

Perhaps I was never quite as close to my friends as I thought, or, at least, they were never as close to me… As I’ve said before, it takes a lot for me to trust people, to let down my guard, to open up; but once someone has gained my trust, it can be very hard to lose it. I think because trust is such a major thing with me, it carries with it an awful lot of other things as well. When friends have reached a certain level for me, as most of them have here, I hold a lot of stock in those friendships. I place a lot of meaning in my relationships with others, perhaps more than they do in their relationships with me…

The title of friend is not one given to just anyone in my life. Those who I would call my friends hold a special place in my heart, a place that is just for them. I do my best to show them that I love them and their presence in my life is a blessing and is something that I hold dear. But sometimes they just don’t see. I just wish that somehow, someday they might realize just how much they mean to me. And, though I don’t say it for simpathy or for guilt, I hope that I mean enough to them that they might show me their love and friendship in ways that I might better see it…

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