January 4, 2004
It’s late at night, very early on the 4th; my birthday…
Since I last wrote here, much has happened in my life, too much, perhaps to adequately chroncle here. So please forgive the holes that won’t be filled in. (After all, I’m not going to tell you everything!)
I suppose that other than graduating, getting my first car, and moving out and into my own place as the typical milestones of post-college life that I have reached, the most recent – and rather signifcant – period of my life is when I met someone… Just about two months ago, a lunar eclipse could be seen in the skies over CNY. As I drove home from a movie about reclaiming life and discovering oneself again, I pulled into the empty parking lot of a local park and stood out in the frigid air to watch the celestial event. As I stood stood there, I was reminded of the nights in high school when I would sit out on the roof of our back porch – which was right outside my bedroom window – and stare into the sky. Were the moon out those nights, I would focus my thoughts, attention, and prayers towards it as though the moon were the eye of God looking down on me. And so it was this particular night.
I came to a point where I realized that I had just about everything that I’ve always wanted, or, was at least on my way to achieving them: I had my own place and a job I truly enjoy; a good car to give me freedom; a great family and a church that made me feel loved and welcomed; an education and opportunities to do things that many have only dreamed about; and so much more than I have ever deserved. Yet, with all of those things, I lacked something that I desired so much, for so long: someone to share my life and love with.
The next day when I got home from church, I checked my email and found a messege from someone I didn’t know who wanted to learn more from me about my writing and my experiences around the world. She had come across this website and knew that she wanted to get to know me better. We talked on the phone, we emailed constantly, and finally met in person. And through the course of it all, we fell in love. It’s a hard thing for me to do, to let myself be open and vulnerable enough to allow my heart to fall in love, but because I had left my life in God’s hands that night of the eclipse, I just “let go, and let God.” Never before have I so quickly become so comfortable with someone and forged such a strong bond of friendship. I was convinced that she was “The One” and deep down, I just knew that it was meant to be.
Long-story-short – and out of respect for her privacy and our relationship together I’m keeping this as vague and vaccant of detail as I am – things didn’t work out as we both had hoped, though they did work out as best they could. As the song goes, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough…”
Though we aren’t together any longer, I am not angry, upset, or hurt. Though I do feel sadness and loss for what we shared together, I am so grateful for the time we had. To quote from my journal, “I am thankful for her, for the gift of her love, and the blessing of her presence…Not only have I felt love in my life once more, I have felt loved in return for perhaps the first time. [She’s] shown me that I’m capable of love again, that I’m worth loving, and that who I am, as is, is someone special and amazing.”
So, once again, it’s just me…
For everyone else, New Years is a time for fresh starts and new beginnings. I never really made any resolutions or anything like that. The closest thing was New Years 2002 when I wrote an email to a girl I knew telling her just how I felt about her and, in the end, that didn’t work out so I decided not to try to make them again. As I wrote in my journal the other day, the thought came to me that since my birthday is so close to the 1st and really marks the beginning of a new year in my life, it’s kinda like my own personal New Years. I’m not making any resolutions or dedicating myself to losing weight or anything. What I am going to do is look ahead with newer eyes and see what will come for my life. I’ve always been serious about my prayer life but I’m going to try to “let go, and let God” more than I have. We’ll see what happens! “What is good and right will come, whatever that may be…”
Happy Birthday to Me! And here’s to my “new year”!!!