February 12, 2004

It’s that time of year again: Valentine’s Day… It’s not that I’m cynical about love or anything – far from it – it’s just that this year marks just one more where I am going to go without a Valentine to share the special day with.

I guess I just get a little down this time of year because it conjures up so many memories and emotions. For example, were we still together – and thank God we’re not – this weekend would’ve marked my former fiancée and my 7th anniversary. I was actually looking through an old journal of mine and found noticed that we had actually decided on this coming June 19th or 26th as our wedding date (I can’t remember which, off hand). It’s strange to think that just 3 and a half years ago I was so much in love that I knew when I was going to be married. Then, only a few months ago, I found myself deeply in love once more and felt that I would be getting married to this person. Alas, yet again, fate tricked me.

Another thing that comes to mind, not only around Valentine’s, is what is happening in the lives of those around me. I know it’s not the best of things to compare myself with others, but I do. I look to my brother as an example. He and his wife were married about a month before my brother’s 22nd birthday and their first child was born roughly 2 months after his 23rd. Now, in my own life, I have not been without significant moments around these same times. Roughly a month before my 22nd birthday I returned from a life-changing voyage around the world. As for the roughly 2 months after my own 23rd, well, there are still a couple of weeks before we’ll find out about that one.

Friends are getting married left and right and my last couple of relationships fell short of marriage. Sure, I feel a little left out, impatient, jealous and that I’m entitled to a significant, lasting love to share for the rest of my life. But more than that, as my most recent “ex-” used to tell me, I just have to pray that I’ll be happy. I’ve written before that I continually tell myself to just let go of all that is concerning me and let God do what God’s gonna do. Instead of allowing myself to feel all of the jealousy and impatience – a losing battle, I must admit – I just have to keep on hoping for happiness. After all, isn’t that what’s really important anyway?

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