September 6, 2004
I never seem to know what to say when I sit down to write in my journal, be it my personal or online journal. It’s not that there’s nothing going on in my life – I’m almost always busy – it’s just that I sometimes find it hard to express exactly what I’m thinking or feeling.
One of the main reasons for not writing as much as I usually do is that I don’t want to just keep repeating myself. At this point in my life I find that my alone-ness has really been getting to me. I have friends, some even younger than I, that have gotten married this year or are going to be celebrating wedding anniversaries coming up as I remain single. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for them all because I know how hard and important it is to find lasting love in your life. The thing is though, I’m waiting for my turn to find it…
I pray a lot, asking for strength and direction in my life and hoping to be more open to where God is leading me. I pray for love and friendship. For health and good spirits. For a sense of peace in my life. All of these things are pretty basic, I think, and aren’t too awfully selfish. My prayer time is filled with an immense level of honesty and frankness with God and more often than not I feel as though I’ve been heard, which leaves me feeling refreshed and with a sense of calm. Soon, however, I am bombarded with reminders of what I don’t have: tv shows and movies and people all around me where love and friendship seem to flourish. I wish I knew what I could do so that my life would have all those things I hope for.
I always return to my faith, believing that “whatever is good and right will come,” but sometimes it’s hard because I want some certainty, some visible progress, some beginnings of the great friendship, peace, and love that I will have for the rest of my life. In time, I suppose, it will all come to be, each in its own way. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.