October 9, 2004

I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately that take place in countries that I’ve been to. I’m not totally sure why really. Part of it, I’m sure, is that I am more aware during this time of year of the places I’ve visited, because SAS was during the fall. For example, exactly two years ago today I was in Penang, Malaysia and by the end of the week it will be two years since I’ve been in India. I truly enjoyed my time abroad and can’t wait to travel once more. Yesterday, I was even invited to spend my next bit of vacation in Nigeria.

Another reason, perhaps, for why I’ve been watching movies set in places I’ve been (namely, my most recent viewing choices “The Deer Hunter” and “The Killing Fields”) have to do with the nature of violence and hate. I see movies such as these and see war and indiscriminate killing and find myself feeling tangible pain for what I see happening. And the hurt I feel is made all the more potent knowing that these films are set in the midst of, if not based on, an historical environment such as the Vietnam War or the rise of the Khmer Rouge. And having seen these locales and the evidence of such a past with my own eyes – the Saigon War Remnants Museum and the fallout of land mines in the limb-less men, women, and children of Siem Reap, Cambodia – I recognize just how real it is.

I don’t necessarily enjoy the feelings I get while watching movies like this, but, as I wrote in my journal while flying between Cambodia and Vietnam, those are the experiences/feelings I need to have so I can have a certain perspective on my own life and a clearer consciousness of the world around me.

As for the rest of my life at the moment, aside from my two-hour glimpses into the larger world, I guess I can only describe it as “ok.” Everything has been pretty average for me. Nothing terrible, thankfully, yet nothing great either. A good friend came to visit a couple of weekends ago but, while we had a great time, it only lasted a couple of days and then I was back to my “normal” life. I continue on with work and its many facets. I come home in the evenings and veg out in front of my tv or computer, watching “my shows” or playing any of the standard Windows games and listening to music. I’m not feeling particularly bad or down, yet I’m not feeling greatly happy or upbeat either. It’s just sort of a strange in-between feeling where I’m not greatly experiencing either side of the emotional spectrum.

I may have noted it before, certainly in my own journal, that there are times when I’m not really looking forward to anything, or, more accurately, there’s not much coming up to look forward to. What I mean is, while there are a lot of events in the coming weeks that I’ll be at for work purposes, there’s nothing in my personal life that I have to look forward to.

I want to be excited about something again. I want people in my life with whom to share my life. (I have family but I need more than that too. It’s a hard thing to describe, but a fairly simple thing at the same time.)

I just keep on trudging through with uncertainty and hope, with confidence and timidity, with great expectation alongside some fear too. I continue to live each day in the faith that I’ll come across the good stuff in the small things that can get overlooked or somewhere in the choices I make that direct my life in ways that I cannot even understand. That’s why I love the endless possibilities of “tomorrow.”

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