Februrary 24, 2005

There’s a lot I need to figure out for myself right now. There are pieces of the puzzle that is my life that are in their proper places at the moment but there are some that lay scattered about waiting for me to fit them into the larger picture of myself. There are also, however, some pieces – even large sections – that have yet to come out of the box so I can begin to see where they’re going to go. But perhaps it is not yet time for those pieces to show themselves to me.

I’ve heard it many times before: “you need to know and feel comfortable with yourself before you can truly know and feel comfortable with someone else – and before they can know and feel comfortable with you.” I feel as though I’m not totally comfortable with myself, even though I think I know myself about as well as one can. Because I have waited for so long to tackle the issue of what I truly believe in more than a conceptual way, I feel somewhat uncomfortable with the life I’ve been living. Maybe that statement is correct and the reason I am still single and don’t feel like things are going as “right” as I feel they should be is that I have let so much time go by before making the changes in my religious life that I’ve needed to.

I’ve gotten too involved over the past years to the point where any sort of change has the potential to be painful. There will be so many questions that I’d rather not answer, so many comments that I’d rather not respond to, so many criticisms that I’d rather not deal with. Why does it have to be so difficult?

I’ve talked with my parents, I’ve talked with my best friend from college, I’ve talked with my pastor and after only 3 weeks of prayer and contemplation I feel like I know what I’m going to do. I have commitments that I’ve made and responsibilities I have over the course of the next 4-5 months so I can’t make the change before then but it’s hard to stay focussed or be motivated to follow through with the programs and meetings that I’m a part of when I know that I will most likely be stepping away from them in the not-to-distant future.

On to more happier thoughts, in just over two weeks I will be leaving for my vacation! I am taking 8 days off and traveling to London and Northern Ireland during the week of St. Patrick’s Day. My paternal grandmother’s family is from the Portrush area of Northern Ireland and I am going to stay there, see the sights, and celebrate St. Patty’s Day like a true Irishman. At the same time I’ll be visiting the house the family lived in, taking pictures at the cemetary my great-uncle is buried in – and maybe others – and try to learn about where I come from.

Since I have to fly through there anyway, I decided to take a couple of days on either side of my time in N. Ireland to tour around London and take advantage of this world-class city while I’m there. I can’t wait!

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