May 11, 2005
It’s been a while since I’ve written here, I know, but it’s not like there’s been nothing to write about. It’s a busy time of year with work and I’ve been spending a lot of time with projects and events that leave me too tired to write a lot of the time. Also, I don’t want to repeat a lot of the same things I’ve said over and over again..
Lately, the feelings I had about a year and a half ago are creeping back in. I look at my life and the things I’m involved in and the routines I have and I get the feeling that I may be single indefinitely. It’s a hard thought to have and, let me tell you, it doesn’t tickle. As much as I hate it, it could very well be true and I have to come to terms with that. Even if it’s only for a few more years I need to accept it and move on with my life. I need to live to the fullest regardless of the box I check on forms. I was talking to someone about a year or so ago about how I felt as though I would like to have my own house in a few years (I said something like 3 years, then, but I’m thinking now that it would be more like 5). She was taken aback by the thought of it. “How could you do that if you haven’t even met anyone yet?” was her general response. I’ve also talked to people who thought it odd that I would go to the movies alone or how depressing it was that I would travel by myself. The response I give is the same: I need to do things that make me happy and give my life some meaning and fulfillment and I think it’s even more important to do those things as a single person so that my life is more than just… bearable.
As I was writing in my personal journal the other day – also becoming more of the exception rather than the rule – I was noting how it feels as though I am starting a new chapter in my life; I am getting a fresh start. I have been struggling with some personal religious issues over the past months and have recently elected to step down from coordinating the young adult ministry group, which also removes me from the Conference Council. So, I’m relieved from some stress and demands of my time. It’s so easy for someone of my age to be tempted to fill up every possible free day with something to do. I mean, I’m young and single so I have the time and energy to commit to groups and programs and extra work. But that’s how you get burned out, isn’t it? So, I cut out some of the things that drew me closer to burn out. And, though I hate to say it, the struggles I’ve been having with my religious life have made it all the more easy to step away from some of those things. Work is another story. I really enjoy what I do. The combination of being allowed to be creative and the challenge of getting it ‘right’ have given me a sense of accomplishment that I don’t feel elsewhere.
Another thing I wrote about was how I really wish I had someone/thing to come home to at the end of the day. Because I live alone the quietness and solitude of the apartment – while appreciated and certainly needed at times – can get to me sometimes. Some of the only excitement I get from going home is to relax and watch TV. It’s more of an escape from everything than anything else. It’s more like I place connected with running away from rather than running towards. I will be moving this summer to get a change in scenery and also to get a dog. I’ve always loved dogs and I could really use the regular companionship in my life. Hopefully it will be enough to make me feel happier in my daily life rather than what I feel now. It’s not so much depression as it is uninspiration. As a little-known poet once wrote,
“Oh, to be inspired again
And live my life entire
Without regret or want or need
And others I’d inspire.”