I Know…I Know…
It’s been a while since I’ve written, I know. It’s been a busy, and emotional couple of weeks. Along with everything from my last posting and the intense feeling that comes with it, I am in the process of moving. For just over a week I’ve been packing, loading, unloading, and unpacking everything I own. I’ve moved a lot over the course of my life and I feel as though I’ve gotten pretty used to it and, this time, I was actually looking forward to it. My new place is huge compared to where I used to live and I’ll soon be able to get a dog. The negative parts of moving came in the form of a severe thunderstorm, intense heat and humidity, no power, a bout of possible strep throat and two ear infections, and the unsettling feeling of not really having a place to call home. You see, when you move in stages as I am you begin to lose the sense of comfort at the old place and you’re not quite comfortable yet in the new. I’m getting closer to being settled but I think it won’t be for another few weeks as I work to have everything in its proper place.
I went to a youth rally last weekend with the CCYM that I help advise. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, to be honest. Usually when these retreats/rallys come up I’m excited to see everyone, but this time was different. It just seemed like so many things were converging right then: my announcement of withdrawl, moving, the heat and humidity that just takes all the energy out of me. I just didn’t want to be there. And, unfortunatly, I think some of the members of my family group – Bible study/discussion group – noticed my lack of motivation and leadership this time around too. And I feel really bad about that.
Sunday marks my last day as a UM. It’s going to be hard to walk away from something that I have been so involved in for so long, but I still feel that it’s best for me. My pastor keeps telling me that I have a bad attitude and I’m crazy. Part of that is true, I suppose, though she thinks I’m crazy for way more reasons than just this. My attitude has been bad in the sense that I’ve just been in a state of apathy for the past few months. I’ve already begun to disassociate myself with all things UM and I’ve begun to lose any attachment to the outcomes of whatever groups or projects that I would’ve been very interested in only a short time ago – outside of those that are work-related. It’s a lot easier to let go of anxiety that way.
I’m not trying to make those around me anxious or to make them feel as though they have to rush to save me from myself. I’m just moving on. It’s not out of protest or to make statements or to grind any axes that I may have. I’m just taking the next step on my journey. How others react is not my fault and I can’t worry about it. That’s not a bad attitude, I just know that I can’t live my life making decisions based on how everyone else will react – even though for many things one needs to take others into account – after all, I’m the one who has to live with myself.