One of Those Moods
I’ve been in one of those moods today. You know the one: you’re not tired but you feel really lathargic, you’re not sad but your not excited about anything, you’re not alone but you feel lonely. It came over me today and I haven’t been able to shake it.
I live a fairly solitary life. As I’ve said before, though I don’t want to be repeating myself, I don’t do a lot of socializing and spend most of my free time watching movies and tv or hiking by myself. My post from earlier in the week has kind of stuck with me since. I spoke of not feeling like I had the kinds of friendships I want/need/hope for – with very few exceptions. I was reminded this week of a comment an ex had, which I wrote about before in the old journal on my website. During one of our conversations I mentioned that I was going to see a movie over the weekend and she asked, “which one?” and I told her and she followed up by asking, “who are you going with?” to which I replied, “no one, just me.” She couldn’t have been more shocked. She couldn’t imagine how someone would go to the movies by themselves. “That’s so sad, ” she said – though, not in a pathetic sort of way, just…sad.
I’ve always been sort of a loner, I guess. It hasn’t been by choice, necessarily – though I would sometimes rather be by myself – but going solo has liked me. Because I’m such an introvert and, says my mom, I have always been able to occupy myself I haven’t had to rely on other people in order to enjoy a show or movie or hike. Don’t get me wrong, I would almost always prefer to do those things with others. But I’ve learned to make do and entertain myself.
Also, something that has got me thinking about my own loneliness was finding out that another friend of mine – a younger co-worker from a camp I used to work at – has recently set a date for his wedding next March. Now, this guy is one of the nicest I’ve ever known and I am so happy for him. But, like other singles, I’m jealous as hell too. It’s coming up on the 3rd wedding anniversary of another pair of (younger) co-workers from the same camp who got married around the time I was in Kenya. And a pair of clergy who used to be my counselors/youth advisors recently got engaged too. (Again, so happy for them.)
I get tired of hearing the lines, “there’s someone out there for you,” or, “when you meet the love of your life, and you will,” or, “you’ve still got time,” or, “I read the average age for men to get married is 27, so you’ve got a couple of years.” It’s not that I dismiss the support of those who say that to me, it’s just that it’s not helpful. When I went to the movies with my parents my mom said to my dad, “I guess there will be no necking,” (since we were sitting together) and I said, “not unless you find me someone too.” It reminds me of another time when I drove my dad to the theater to meet my mom for a movie after work and she thanked me for bringing her date, to which I replied, “if you wanted to thank me, why didn’t you bring me one?” I’m not trying to sound depressing, I just know that when the timing is right you have to take advantage of the moment and deliver the funny line.
I’m not sure where I was going with all of this but I’ll just finish up by saying that even though I’ll meet her someday, I don’t feel like I can say that I know that I will. Sometimes I fear that I will never meet her and I’ll be like this indefinitely. And there’s nothing anyone can really say to change that. After all, who knows for sure that the contrary will happen?
I hate not knowing…