March 14, 2005
I am about to take a step I have never taken before. I have been in foreign countries before and I have even spent some time alone in some of them. I've flown cross-country by myself and I've lived on my own quite successfully for some time now. But today, while similar, is quite different.
Once again, two and a half years later, I am in the Syracuse airport waiting for a flight that will lead me to a far away place, a place to which I have never been. Semester at Sea took me around the world to twelve different countries, and it was awesome. In many ways, that trip defined my life. While I feel the excitement and anticipation of travel abroad, there's something else there today, something significant.
I am on my way to London and Northern Ireland for a week of vacation, history, and escape from my day-to-day life. In the 4-5 months that I've been planning this trip I've felt quite excited and anxious to go. Now, I'm glad to be here and on my way but there is a touch of anxiety that I'm traveling with. I'm alone. It's not related, directly, with my singleness but I'm somewhat nervous to travel by myself. There's freedom and flexibility with it but there is no one to lean on, no one to share this adventure with.
For the next week, I am totally independant and on my own in a way I've never been before now. It's exciting, it really is. As uneasy as I may feel because of the newness of the experience, I am filled with this deeper sense of meaning and purpose. And I'm not sure what it is. I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday and she shared with me that she had the same feeling about this, that it is going to be a very special time for me and filled with amazing things.
Visiting the place where my family comes from as well as spending time in a world-class city are going to be a part of the wide range of experiences I'll have and will bring a depth to my time that I cannot yet perceive. Something wonderful is about to happen...
March 16
I am strangely calm. Since I arrived at the hotel yesterday I haven't felt all that nervous or anxious at all. I've been somewhat sick though - probably the recycled air on the plane, the cold wind, and the dirty conditions of London are all contributors.
London has been alright. Already, in only 24 hours, I travel the subways like I've lived here all my life. I walk with a confidence I rarely, if ever, have. And it almost doesn't feel like me. But it feels good, really good.
Last night, I went to The Old Vic and saw the play "National Anthems" starring Kevin Spacey, Steven Weber (from the tv show "Wings"), and Mary Stuart Masterson ("Fried Green Tomatoes"). It was amazing! Not only was it really funny but the depth and intensity that only actors of this calibur can bring made it a very powerful experience. Kevin Spacey is an awsome actor but I would venture to say that this was one of, if not THE, best performances he's ever played. All I can say is, WOW!
...
Feeling a bit under the weather was not helped much by the flight into Belfast. While I didn't get sick I was about uncomfortable as one can be short of losing it. It was rough.
Despite the quality of the flight itself, as I gazed out the window and saw the country for the first time my excitement really began to grow. Though I had always known that this is where my family is from, I never thought of it in terms of being my homeland or anything like that. It's strange how real it becomes, how quickly it changes from a vacation into something a bit closer to a pilgrimage.
I notice now, as Belfast zips by the bus window, that, in many ways, a city is a city, especially in the West. London and Belfast are a lot more like Boston than I had anticipated. And it is a tiny bit of a let down.
March 17
Last minute I decided to head out to Coleraine and put off going to the other sites until tomorrow. After some help from the tourist info people - with whom, for some reason, I unconsciously used a bit of an accent - I came to the relatively large cemetary on the north side of the town. Thinking it wasn't going to be the one - I was under the presumption that it was a smaller, church one that I was looking for - my hopes weren't that high but I thought I'd give it a shot. I had an idea of what the monument looked like so, as I wandered, I stopped and checked each candidate. Thinking I had come to the wrong place and beginning to make my way back towards the gate, I turn a corner, passing a few more headstones on the way. As the map came out of my pocket and I began to unfold it, a gust of wind blew the map closed again causing me to look up to regain my barings and my eyes fell upon it... I stopped dead in my tracks. There it was. There HE was. My trip was fulfilled by this singular moment. [I had found the finaly resting place of my dad's uncle Tommy who had died in Portrush, NI when he was 9 years old while visting family.] I took some pictures, I made a rubbing, I put back a part of the wall that had fallen down, and for about 45 minutes I just sat there taking in the moment.
I have been all over the world and have seen and walked in amazing places, some famous, some rare, but never in all my travels have I ever had such a moving experience just by being in such a simple place as an ordinary graveyard.
Over the next few days, while I hope to visit a few cool places, it doesn't matter all that much because the important thing, what's really truly important, is complete. It was all worth it.
March 18
This morning, as I sat and enjoyed my breakfast, I spent a few hours chatting with a blind man from Belfast who is staying in the same B&B as I am. After learning only a few things about me, he was able to perceive what kind of person I am and he seemed to know me in a way that many don't. He offered some wonderful Irish wisdom that really spoke to my current situation in life which, in some ways, I was only ready to really hear at that time even though I may have heard some of it before. To think, a blind stranger was able to "see" me for who I am even as I feel somewhat invisible when I'm around many who have their sight.
After getting a later start than I had planned, my options for the afternoon were somewhat limited because of the bus schedule. I decided that my best bet was to travel out to the Carrick-a-rede rope bridge for my first touristy stop of the day. As I walked down the winding coastal path to the bridge, I was once again amazed by the shear beauty of the landscaped that surrounded me. It's awe-inspiring how green and lush it is even on such a cool, cloudy, and drizzly day. Definitely a high point.
From there, I hopped on the bus to head back towards the west so I could see some of the other sights. When I reached the point where I was supposed to change busses, I notices a sign pointing the way to the Giant's Causeway and, being near the coast, I assumed that it was nearby. So, instead of getting on the bus, I decided to walk down the road to see it. Yeah, that was a mistake. After walking for about 15-20 minutes I came to the ruins of a castle with a little sign out front which had a map of the area on it. Yep, I was about 4.3 miles from where I thought I was. Excellent! It was approaching twilight and I wasn't really expecting a bus to come by. There was a bustop just down the road and after not too long, a bus came by from the other direction. I talked to the driver and he said another one should be by within a half hour or so. So, I waited. Many cars passed by and there was no sign of the bus. I wasn't so much nervous as I was impatient. Just as I was considering starting to walk, a car pulled up and asked if I needed a ride. Now, I'm not one to just get in the car with a stranger - my parents taught me well - but he looked like a nice old man and was heading back to the same town I was. So, I hopped in. I wasn't really nervous, though I was on my guard. The Irish are very friendly people and always willing to lend a hand. I found that whenever I mentioned that my family was from the area I was all the sudden treated as though I was a native rather than a tourist. People became more open and much warmer in their reception when they found out. It was great.
March 19
My time in Ireland is nearly at an end. While one more day might have proved to be good - as I haven't gotten to a couple of places I'd hoped to get - the timing feels right for me to go. I missed seeing the Giant's Causeway and didn't make it to Old Bushmills (the oldest licensed whiskey distillery in the world) to get a shot glass for Chris, but I crossed a rope bridge, found Tommy, and enjoyed my time in a far away land. They say that regret is nothing but a waste of energy and time and will leave you no better off. And so, while there are a few choices that I mistook, what's done is done and my experience isn't lessened for it.
I'll soon be on to Belfast once again and then to London before I hop on a plane for home on Monday. Soon I shall be chasing the sunset on my way home. Ireland will be missed but I must come back. I haven't even left Portrush yet and I know that I shall someday return.
I have gained a new confidence from these days though much uncertainty remains. Though, through this experience I know more clearly that whatever may come for me, all will be well.
March 21
I don't know what words are best or if there are even words yet available to me with which to describe, not only my trip, but who I am now that I am almost home. You see, even though I may not know how quite yet, I know that I am different now. I know this, because I don't feel like I did before I left. I know that part of it is my exhaustion from being constantly on the go all week but there's something else too. I've been mentioning often how I feel this calm that, if ever, has been long away from me. I think that for the first time in quite some time I have a good idea of who I am and I feel good about myself. I've known parts of myself for a long time but the solitude, not loneliness, but solitude I've had by traveling alone and spending so much time in my own head and heart this week I've become further acquainted with myself. And it feels good.
For all I've been able to see and feel - all the history and all the growth within myself - I am eternally grateful. I'm glad I came.
